I have always been the kind of person who feeds off of the energy of other people. Even from a young age I tended to feel things more strongly than other people and would gravitate toward people who I felt needed my help. I’m still that way today to a certain extent I think, but I’ve gotten a lot better about putting myself first. And I know that sounds selfish but for anyone else who falls under the category of empath, you’ll understand that as someone who feels for others so deeply, its very easy to neglect what you need to make things okay for other people.

I’ve always been the sort of person who would drop what I was doing in a heartbeat if I knew someone needed help. But as well intentioned as that may seem, I’ve found that in my life, it can actually be quite destructive for me and other people who feel more strongly than the general public. It seems counter intuitive that being caring for other people could be destructive in any way, but other empaths know that its a very slippery slope from helping one person and caring too much about another until you’re neglecting yourself and what you need to be happy and stable.

I am notorious for bending over backwards to please and help other people and neglecting myself in the process. Part of it I think is my fear of disappointing people but another part of it is that I do care so deeply and I think to myself that I can, so why shouldn’t I? And that’s usually where the problem lies, in the fact that I “can” so I think I “should”. Can I leave work and class to go over to a friend who is having a hard day and comfort them? Yes absolutely. Are there situations where that would be something I wouldn’t even think twice about doing? Yes absolutely. But should I always do that? No, probably not.

The same thing applies to your own emotional boundaries and mental health. Being empathic is a double edged sword, we feel so strongly that we have the capacity to help and understand people from all facets of life; but at the same time we will often neglect ourselves because we feel as though its our duty to care for other people above everything else.

To a certain extent, I don’t think that being empathic is a bad thing. I think that it can make for very loving, very caring, compassionate people and the world needs more of those. But at the same time, you can’t give to others if you have nothing for yourself. Neglecting your own personal needs and boundaries for the wants and needs of others can sometimes be unavoidable but those are in one in a thousand, emergency situations. Saying that you can’t be around someone, help them in the moment, or be the emotional support that they need for one reason or another is not a selfish thing to do. Consistently running yourself into the ground for other people while sacrificing the things you need to be healthy and happy is not a positive thing and I don’t know who needs to hear this but I’m sure someone does. If someone expects you to do that for them all the time, then they don’t have your best interests at heart and maybe they shouldn’t be a part of your life.

I’ve struggled for a really long time to find the balance of being a caring, compassionate, and helpful person while still putting myself first; and let me tell you, it’s really tough to find the balance. The first step that I took when starting to understand what I needed to do was learning how to say no. Its all fine and dandy to set goals like, put myself first, or stop neglecting my needs, but it’s really difficult to do that if you don’t understand what those needs are exactly and you don’t have tangible goals.

Learning how to say no was my first step to learning how to put myself first. I’m the type of person who is a “yes man”. You need something? Let me help. You need a favor? Of course I can do that for you. It would make you happy if this happened? Let me bend over backwards to get there for you. Even if it wasn’t convenient, even if I was overbooked, I would always find a way to do what was needed in the moment. My life changed when I started dating someone who recognized that about me and taught me how to say no.

Being an empath, we care about everyone but specifically the people we have close relationships with (family, friends, etc.) and would do anything for them. He noticed that there were some times where I would say yes to things but give off an air of hesitancy and we had a chat. He told me that it was okay if I didn’t want to do the thing he was asking of me, it was totally fine if I was busy doing something and that I didn’t have to drop what I was doing to make him happy.

It took a lot of practice but learning how to say no to someone that I love and respect significantly helped me learn how to say no to other people in my life who I may have similar or more distant relationships with. Then from there I was able to start finally understanding what my boundaries were and how to take care of myself emotionally. If I hesitated before I said yes, did I actually want to do it? And if not, why was that? What emotional or mental boundary was it that I was crossing and was it something I was willing to compromise on or not?

It’s a really long and tough journey; one that I’m still working through. But I think that it’s really important for people, empaths specifically, but for all people, to remember that you should be the most important person in your life. You should love and care about yourself first and foremost because you deserve to be happy and moreover, you can’t help people if you’re gone.