I think that one of the reasons that I didn’t write consistently until now was because I was worried about people seeing that when I’m alone with my thoughts for too long, they go to a dark place. Not necessarily like a “self harm or suicidal” dark place, just more of an existential “what is my purpose” type of place. I’m also the kind of person who will watch things that make me cry just to cry and listen to sad music and stare off into the distance like a scene kid in the early 2000’s.

I grew up in a very positive and happy environment, my parents did everything that they could to make sure that I grew up in a safe and productive way and I’m very grateful for that, and my family is wonderful but my parents and my sister are not like I am. They don’t want to watch things that are going to make them cry or feel afraid, they don’t want to have controversial conversations, and they really didn’t like it when my writing would go to a place that was sad or depressing.

I totally get that as a mom, if your kid starts writing things that are on the darker side, you might be concerned. But this continued well into my adulthood, and its not like I wasn’t being supported by my family, because I was. It was just more along the lines of more concern than was necessary sometimes.

I’d consider myself a fairly happy person, on a day to day basis I smile and laugh and love, spending my time doing the things I enjoy with the people I care about. I just also spend time with the dark parts of me from time to time. Parts of my book that I’m working on right now are really, really dark and I’m afraid that my family will read it and get worried about me.

I’ve read in multiple places that intelligent people tend to be more prone to mental illness, existential depression, and just generally over-analyzing everything. People who are on the more intelligent side of things tend to question existence and meaning more than those who aren’t and yearn for something that is more than the day to day, almost like reality isn’t enough.

Obviously it’s important to remember the “everything in moderation” rule. If you spend too much time there, you could get suicidal or become so depressed that you aren’t a functional person anymore. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing to visit that place every now and then and that’s where I differ from my family. I’m sure that all of them are intelligent enough to have that looming existential depression but I’m also sure that they probably push it away more than let it in and will avoid activities and situations where that dread will bubble up from the depths where it has been locked away. And that’s perfectly fine.

It’s natural to be afraid of that part of human nature, the darkness, the sadness, and the less than easy parts. But I think that to find true happiness and meaning, it’s important to have a balance. There is a picture that has been going around recently that describes the difference between being a comforting support for someone who is suffering and toxic positivity. (I would like to clarify for those in the back that this is NOT what my parents do.)

Toxic positivity is using phrases such as “Good vibes only”, “Just don’t think about it”, “Happiness is a choice” in situations where someone may be sharing how they are feeling. It seems intuitive that you would want to get their mind off of it or you may be uncomfortable talking about it with them but using these phrases just succeeds in making the person feel worse. Sometimes, the only way to process something is to move through it and telling that person that the reason they aren’t happy is because they are making the choice not to be and they’re bringing everyone else down is extremely isolating. Again, it’s a delicate balance between too much darkness and toxic positivity. There is nothing wrong with getting a little existential now and then, the problem lies in the times when you can’t leave.

I really enjoy exploring the depths of human emotion, so when I write about a situation that I’ve experienced, someone I know has experienced, or a character I’m writing has experienced that is devastating, yes of course it makes me sad. And yes of course I need to take a break to do some self care afterwards but I think that exploring the dark parts of the human psyche and emotional range makes me a better person who is more empathetic and a better listener.

I’m also a depressed millennial with more anxiety and panic attacks than investment opportunities though, so who knows. But I also think that being able to look into the void and then come back will help us as a society in the long run. Things are going to shit, we are brainwashed by consumerism so that we don’t look at the fact that rainforests are getting decimated by the day, ice caps are melting and climate change is going to kill us all if Karen and her measles babies don’t get us first. Things are scary and it makes me very angry, but once I’ve gazed into the void and seen everything for what it is, it makes me understand that something needs to be done. I don’t think that telling everyone “stay positive” is going to fix anything, of course intention and positive vibes are important but life is a balance. If you sit too long in the darkness it will consume you, but if you sit too long in the light you will neglect your duty to keep watch for the demons coming for you.

The long winded point that I’m trying to make I suppose is that it may be uncomfortable to talk about the darker things in life, but I deeply believe that it will help expand our understanding of the world we live in and the steps we need to take to be better as a whole.