Hypothetically, let’s say that two of your friends really hate each other. There’s not really any rhyme or reason to it, they are just nasty to each other and that hatred has been festering for quite some time now. You love both of your friends and you want them to get along so you can stop being stuck in the middle of their petty feud, but how do you start?

If you were to just go up to your two friends, sit them down, and say “just love each other, it’s not that hard.” How well do you think that would go over realistically? What if you told them that nobody else would ever love them until they learned to love each other? Would that work? What if you told them that they had to love each other before they’d ever truly be capable of loving anyone else? Sounds dumb right? Well it doesn’t make any more sense if you apply it to the concept of self love.

There are many different reasons why someone might struggle with the concept of loving themselves. Perhaps they’ve made mistakes in their past that they can’t forgive themselves for. Maybe they have had people feeding them false information for extended periods of time. Or maybe they just don’t like a particular feature or personality trait about themselves and it has tainted how they see themselves as a whole. But going up to someone who has deep seated self hatred or very little practice with self love and saying, “Just love yourself!” is not helpful.

Just like in the situation with two people who hated each other, a solid first step in improving any relationship, including your relationship with yourself; is “don’t be a dick”. Stop it. You don’t have to love yourself, not quite yet, I know it’s not that easy. But stop looking in the mirror and saying hateful things to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to a child unprovoked, stop saying it to yourself. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.

Stop saying things like “if I were skinnier, I’d be pretty”, “I’m a burden”, “they deserve better”, “I’m too…” this, “I’m not enough..” that. Knock it off. Think about what you’re saying, then picture yourself saying it to an 8 year old child, and stop. Though if you’re the kind of person who’d tell an 8 year old they’re too fat, I can’t really help you there and you may want to seek more serious help, but I think that most people aren’t like that.

I don’t buy into the mantra of “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself”, because historically, I’ve had an easier time loving and accepting other people than I’ve had loving and accepting myself, and a lot of the most compassionate people I’ve known are people who hate themselves. I also don’t believe that other people won’t love you until you love yourself, and telling someone that not only doesn’t help, but it also creates complexes where people start believing that they’re not worthy of love.

Just like anything else in life, loving yourself takes time and practice and you’re not going to be a master overnight. But starting with not being an asshole to yourself is a pretty great place to start. Once you start getting good at nipping those negative thoughts in the bud, you can move on to the next part, which is trying to be kind to yourself.

Be understanding, be compassionate, maybe compliment yourself, let yourself have nice things, and build positive relationships. Getting out of your own way is by far the most important step in growing as a person in any form, but especially this one. It’s okay if it takes time and it’s okay if it’s harder than you think it will be. For a long time, people thought it would make things easier by simplifying the steps to self love, but sometimes when you’re in that hole, it’s disheartening to hear how “easy” it is; because it’s not easy for you. Maybe you’re just the exception.

But guess what, you’re not. It’s hard for everyone even if they don’t let on but I’m here to tell you that you’re not more fucked up than anyone else, you’re not unworthy of love, and you can get to a place of loving yourself. Here’s the roadmap, I’m up the highway a little ways at a rest stop across from a strip mall, I’ve got some sandwiches, bring some sides and we will have a picnic before we head out again.

I don’t want to pretend like it’s not a long, hard trip, but I’m here and I am aggressively rooting for you and we can caravan our way there.